Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
