I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
