How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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