Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
