Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
