was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All the doctor said was why
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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