just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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