I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
