he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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