My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i think i just lost a toe
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
