I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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