On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i out mim tonsoeep
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
