I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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