True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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