I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
