Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
