You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
