I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
