Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
