I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize