Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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