It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
