My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
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