sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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