Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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