I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
