When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
