FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
