So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
