I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I will be naked everywhere
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
