he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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