Cold hands, warm shart.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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