My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
