i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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