You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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