I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
