smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
