if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize