i think i have herpe
just one?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
