Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize