I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
