who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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