Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
