I think I am morally bankrupt
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
