The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
