What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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