This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
