i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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