The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
