what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
