EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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