I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
