I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
