There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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