he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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